If You Ain't Got No Money, Get Your Broke Ass Home

Here is an article from Naples News about George W. Bush and our former governor, Jeb, speaking at my city's Town Hall the other day. Tickets started at $200 but if you wanted to get a super-posh seat where you could actually see their heads, it was $550. Which is a shame, cause I've had this wad of $1,100 in cash burning a hole in my pocket lately so I guess I'll just have to put it toward that new purse.



I still can't believe that R. L. Stine was there. I'll refrain from making a "Night of the Living Dummy" joke.

Cookies Fall Apart

William Butler Yeats, whom I am obligated to approve of because he is Irish, wrote,

"Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."

Now that those of us with significant others are having a post-dinner breakdown, and those of us without are crying into a bowl of Count Chocula, let me introduce you to wittlemanderz87's rant on Valentine's Day, echoing the sentiments of jilted lovers, panda aficionados, and Chinua Achebe fans alike.

"I bought the cookies cause I like cookies.
Cookies fall apart.
But they taste good with milk."



"I made him hold my other thing of cookies.
Cause actually watch...
If he's not holding something,
his head just falls.
He's kind of fat."

If your Valentine's Day has sucked, do not go gentle into that good night!
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Love ain't just a domestic flight.

Happy Valentine's Day from your most cynical friend,
MARNIE

Beautiful Garbage

In late December of last year, my French-Canadian friend Marie-France hopped a plane from Montreal and landed in Naples. After laughing at my cold-weather friends for having to deal with frigid weather while I dipped freshly-pedicured toes into the pool, of course I'd look like a maniac as we bundled up in scarves and winter jackets during one of the most frigid weeks in the history of South Florida. Oranges were dying, the homeless were screwed, and Marie's fingertips were turning into colors you could only find on etsy. Alas, everything to do in South Florida is outside, unless you want to see a movie or go to church, but we tried to make the most of it. After browsing through Weird Florida at the Barnes & Noble, with my trusty G.P.S. as our guide, we found a town that merited visiting: Lake Placid, Florida, the mural and caladium capital of the world. What awaited us in Lake Placid was much more than caladium, however: clowns, religious signs ("Jesus is the Reason for the Season!") and beautiful garbage cans decorated the sparse town like a virus. And it was a virus we documented as we hopped into my Chevy with my fiance Ed and carted our asses to Lake Placid.

Lake Placid's Chamber of Commerce site insists, "Large mouth bass are plentiful in the lakes, with six to eight pounders caught regularly. Bluegills, shell crackers and crappies are plentiful as well and provide excellent eating." Until I ate fried alligator tail a few weeks later, I would have said that "crappies" sounded like the most delicious thing on earth. But while you're busy looking for crappies, where do you throw away all of your crap?

Why, in one of Lake Placid's garbage cans, of course.



Alas, while Toby's Clown School was closed that Saturday, we at least got to get a few great pictures with random, frightening clowns on our trip. Here I am on a bench next to the Visitor's Center, which was closed. It was mighty frightening to read later that although Lake Placid has less than 2,000 residents, there were about fifteen police cars parked outside.


Below is Marie-France riding the Crazy Train to South Central Florida.



And lastly, how could I describe the "Town of Murals" without at least posting some?







Are you "looking for some fun and excitement?" Watch a video on Lake Placid's wonderful tourist industry! Just make sure you don't notice the Burger King looming under the American flag.



And visit Marie-France's kickass flickr here where you can view more photos of Lake Placid as well as a lot of really amazing photography that she does.

Lookit My Pets.

Here are my guinea pigs, Toffee (self-explanatory - the one that is dark brown, light brown, and white), and Tribble (the one with the crazy hair). They are singing for celery; this is the guinea pig "wheeking" that piggies do when they hear food on its way. They love celery and "sing" whenever they hear the cutting board. This has already gotten 99 hits on youtube after 13 hours which I consider a resounding success. So, why don't you watch my guinea pigs flipping out over hearing my fiance chopping up celery for them? You know you want to.

*edit* After posting this vid online I got some helpful advice from a fellow cavy-owner about the pellets I was using. They used to eat Ecotrition (which is in the video) but now they eat Kleenmama's pellets, which along with Oxbow is one of the best pellets around. I've also removed celery from their diet momentarily to add some more variation, such as kale and bell peppers. I'm a new owner and I'm still learning! :)

Tyra Toilet Tips

I hope that everyone had a good holiday. I haven't been updating lately because I flew back to Florida on December 7 and had a friend over like a week later, so I was off of the Internet a lot. We went to a lot of places, like Miami's South Beach, Score (a gay club, even though none of us is gay), and Lake Placid, FL, the mural capital of the world. I'm going to blog about them once I find my USB port which I might end up having my dad mail.

Anyhow, until then, here's an instructional clip from Tyra Banks (who, in Oprah fashion, is canceling her show too - I wish Dr. Phil would cancel his) teaching women how to go to the bathroom.


It makes sense since most of the places I've been to look like this.

This is my dog eating yogurt.

This is my blue tick beagle, Jersey. Yes, it's dark and blurry and was done with a camera phone. I'm going to re-do this in a few days, I just didn't want to do a second take and consume a second raspberry yogurt so she could lick another one. It's dark and blurry but I thought I'd post it anyway. I'll delete this when I can make a clearer, brighter version. And before I get a message about it, she's not eating an entire yogurt. Just the little flavor left after I finished it.

Top 20 Urkel Moments

Via http://www.cinemassacre.com.

Escalator Safety

Before my fellow ex-Michigander Chris Hansen became the host of shows like "To Catch a Predator," "To Catch an I.D. Thief," and other Dateline NBC segments that I love, he had to prove his chops to his bosses just like the rest of us and move up the corporate ladder. Or, rather, the escalator. Here, a young Chris from 1995 reports on escalator safety. I knew this would be an interesting report because this story, on ESCALATORS, begins with an interview with Sister Mary and her "one nun campaign."





Few people other than Chris Hansen could hold my attention during a 20 minute story about escalators. And make me want to stay away from Boston.

Visit The Hansen Files.